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| Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is the author of Loving in Flow. Available wherever books are sold, or ORDER A SIGNED COPY here. This column provides information about behavioral health and is not meant to replace professional individual advice. For more, see my Love Advice column on Netscape.
Virgin Wonders Why Boyfriend Left Q: I’m still a virgin, though I’m in my early thirties. I worry that I turned off my last boyfriend because of my sexual inexperience. We were kissing and he got so excited that he showed me his private part. I didn’t make a move. That was the first time that I’d seen one “live.” All we’ve ever done is kiss. Since that night, I’ve never seen him again. Do you think I embarrassed him?A: Unless you laughed at him or made unkind remarks about his body, it’s doubtful that embarrassment is what’s keeping him away. It’s more likely that he was hoping you’d “take hold” of the situation and have sex with him right then and there. Apparently, the possibility of sex is what was keeping him around, and when he realized you weren’t ready, he lost interest in the relationship. Don’t feel badly about yourself, though. Any guy, not knowing your level of sexual experience or interest, who suddenly whips out his penis and expects magic to happen, is probably gauche, at best, and a total boor, at worst. Find someone more sensitive who’s willing to introduce you to full sexuality a little more gradually.
Young Husband Has Little Sex Interest?! Q: My husband and I rarely make love anymore like we use to, and we’re only married three years. I’m 22 and he is 25, and we make love two times a month. He is never in the mood to make love or to do anything fun. He tells me he loves me, but then whenever I’m in the mood he doesn’t want to because he is too tired. I have tried lingerie, massages, etc., and nothing seems to work. Might it be hormonal?A: Too tired for sex? Hormonal? A male aged 25? Highly unlikely. It never hurts to get a medical check-up anyway, just to rule out something physical. After all, the fact that he has no energy for fun might mean he’s suffering from depression. But I suspect something else is going on here. After three years of marriage, the sex is never quite the same as it was at the start. It’s not as automatic and spontaneous as it usually is when you’re totally new to one another. Men like variety (women do, too, of course). But it sounds as though you’ve tried to perk him in a variety of ways, and nothing works. Have you asked him what’s really going on? Is there a possibility he’s got someone else in his life? Might he be angry at you and unwilling to be open about it? Have you let him know—gently—that your sex life is very important to you and you want to discuss how you can make it better for both of you? If he keeps insisting that there’s nothing wrong and that he’s just “tired,” try approaching him first thing in the morning or whenever he can’t possibly be tired. Once he runs out of excuses, maybe he’ll be willing to talk frankly about what would get him turned on. And don’t forget getting him checked for depression, which is a surefire sex- and fun-killer.
Only one great love in a lifetime? Q: Is it possible that one may have only one great love in their life? I was engaged to a fabulous woman who broke off the engagement only weeks before the wedding. I got horribly depressed. I had found EXACTLY what I wanted in this person—lifestyle, personality, looks, sexual compatibilty, and so on. I had never been that completely happy before, ever. Now all I do is compare every other woman to her. Is it possible that I may have to “settle” in the future, just to avoid being alone?A: You’re probably deluding yourself just a bit and as long as you continue to overidealize this person, you won’t be open to finding another who might be just as good if not better. I don’t believe in the “one great love” theory. You create the one great love over time with someone. It’s possible that you didn’t get to know this young woman nearly well enough, or she wouldn’t have chickened out on you. Although you found her perfect, she didn’t find YOU perfect enough to stick with. Which means the connection was essentially one-way. No, don’t give up hope. You don’t have to “settle”! But you may have to be a little more realistic about finding someone who isn’t the perfect physical specimen you had in your life for a short time. So that although your future partner may not be EXACTLY what you’ve been looking for, she’ll be able to love you back fully and then the two of you can create something lasting and irreplaceable.
Do age differences matter? Q: What about the age stigma in America? I relate far better to younger women and have more in common with them. I’m extremely active, ride, and show jumping horses, play polo and can ride for days on a horse drive AND want kids. Most women I meet over 30 can’t keep up and don’t want children. It’ s very frustrating. They say they’re too old to ride a horse and don’t want kids. I’m almost ready to move to Italy or Greece, where mens’ ages aren’t such a huge issue and women care more for family, personality, etc., than seems to be the case here.A: You’re generalizing. I know for a fact that there are women over 30 these days who are indeed high energy and want kids, though horses may not be their specific interest. Sounds like you want a very particular combo, and she must not mind that you’re so much older. Women are left widows so often as it is, that it’s a wonder any woman would take on the responsibility of a man several decades older, no matter how great a shape he’s currently in. Have you tried online dating, where you can set out your parameters clearly? Must be willing to ride horses and have kids, age irrelevant. (If horses are a deal-breaker.) Though you’ll still run into the problem, with many women, of wanting someone closer to their own age. Don’t give up and move to the Mediterranean yet. There are plenty of women right here in the U.S. who are from that part of the world or share those values. You simply have to widen the universe you’re searching in. Don’t rule out someone who already has kids of her own and doesn’t want or can’t have any more.
Does hubby masturbate too much? Q: We have three very young children, so you can imagine how hard it is for us to be spontaneous. Recently, I noticed that my husband has been masturbating a few times a week. This upsets me because it seems like a wasted opportunity to me. His only explanation when I asked was that he got used to doing it when I was pregnant. I think that is just an excuse and he just likes masturbating. When we do get together, he seems satisfied, and I’ve been trying to introduce new things into our sex life to make it even better, but he’s still masturbating often. I just don’t feel I’m getting my needs met. How do I get him to compromise when he doesn’t want to?A: You’ve obviously found out the hard way—there is no easy way—that it’s a challenge to maintain your sexual intimacy once you have children. Many couples figure out how to do it, really do it, by giving up the idea that spontaneity is the only way. As I explore in Loving in Flow, planning how and when you’ll get together has the bonus of reminding you of your dating days. How spontaneous is a date? Both of you know you’re going to have dinner and do some social thing or see a movie, and then you’re going to get cozy (not necessarily in that order). So, now that your life is extremely complicated, you have to make dates, get babysitters, and go somewhere. If you wait until the kids are all asleep, there’s the risk you’ll be too sleepy to enjoy yourselves, but you can establish reasonably early bedtimes and stick to them. But it sounds as though the real issue right now is that you and your husband have different goals when it comes to sex. You’re not getting as much intimately connected time with him as you’d like, whereas he manages to find time and energy to masturbate to his heart’s content. I can hear the resentment in your letter. You need to know that many men masturbate a lot more than many women realize, and many of them still manage to have plenty of libido for their wives. In Loving in Flow, there’s a detailed section about how using pornography seems to fulfill men’s need for variety and novelty and, above all, no-pressure sexual release. Yes, of course, your husband likes it—that’s why he does it. It’s easy and it’s pleasurable. He doesn’t feel quite free to admit this to you, though, since you’d probably be critical of that honest explanation, so he rationalizes by saying he “got in the habit” when you were pregnant. He really shouldn’t have to justify his habits. That puts a wall up between you more than the frequent masturbation itself. The real problem, as I see it, is that you aren’t getting your needs met. Sometimes the best way to get a spouse to give a little is to take the pressure off. Try letting him know that it’s fine with you if he masturbates sometimes, but that you want to be included in his sexual life as much as possible because it’s so thrilling and bonding. It’s not that he owes you sex, or vice versa, but if the two of you let this part of your relationship go now when the kids are little, your future sexual relationship will be more and more distant. Let him know that this thought troubles you, and you want to make it low-key, fun, and good for both of you. It isn’t so much a matter of convincing him to compromise by masturbating a lot less, but of offering something lovingly enticing to him. I know you’re trying your best. Certainly he has to cooperate and care about the relationship, too. I suggest you examine other aspects of your relationship, too, and ensure that you’re a safe person for him to talk to – non-critical, seeking to understand his point-of-view, and patient.
How important are romantic holiday rituals? Q: My new husband doesn’t pay much attention to special days like Valentine’s Day. Each year, I may or may not get so much as a card from him. How do I get him to see how important such rituals are?A: You can’t, because they aren’t. Let me clarify: obversing the traditional romantic rituals are clearly meaningful to you, but that doesn’t make them crucial in the context of all happy relationships. Your husband is probably not just being thick-headed or insensitive or unloving. He apparently doesn’t understand why such observances matter so much to you, especially since it’s obvious (to him) that he loves you madly. So your question would more accurately be how to get him to understand your emotional need for all the traditional symbols of love. Figure out what it means to you to be given gifts. Does it remind you of how your dad treated (or didn’t treat) your mom? Does it correspond to the images you see on TV and in magazines and in countless ads, images that equate gifts with love and approval? If you feel wonderfully cherished when your mate goes to the trouble of picking out a gift and giving it to you when you’re expecting him too, it’s as legitimate a way to feel as any other. Just don’t expect your partner to “get it” without some help from you. Ask him nicely to pay attention to this urge of yours to be made a fuss over on certain occasions. And then be sure to be appreciative of his gifts, whatever they turn out to be.
Appropriate age range for dating? Q: I’m approaching 50, divorced with no kids, and am considering dating women young enough to still start a family. I love kids. I’m having difficulty defining an appropriate age range to target. Have you found any books to be particularly helpful on this subject? —JoeA: One that focuses on dating after a divorce is The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again by Tina Tessina. It’s basic, encouraging, and might serve as a good refresher for you. As to the age question, there are few rules. If you find someone compatible who wants to have children with you, what will matter is how flexible you are as a couple, not your actual ages. If you approach women specifically with the intent to use them as baby machines to catch up on this missed area of your life, some of them will run. Others, though, may find you a perfect match. If you try an online dating service, state your age parameters as widely as possible, and see who turns up seeking someone as old as you are. It would be fine if you could meet women in a natural context, pursuing activities that interest you both. Some women are able and willing to have a child in their early forties these days (although the risks are higher for complications and infertility). A 20-year age difference might present an added challenge, but if you’re both mature and realistic and get to know each other and don’t have wildly romantic notions of what to expect, it could work out beautifully. Of course, if you widen your search to include women closer to your age, you’re likely to connect with women who already have children, and that could solve your problem.
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