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| Loving in Flow How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way by Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.Available wherever books are sold, or ORDER A COPY here. |
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“Susan Perry’s writing is soothing and refreshing. It’s a book worth any ten on the same subject on the shelves. A thoughtful, stimulating, and potentially dynamite best seller!”
—Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D., author of N.Y. Times bestseller Flow; Director of The Quality of Life Research Center, Claremont Graduate University |
Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way is about having someone you can count on to love you no matter how the moods of the day happen to fall. It shows how couples can exist in a unique “zone,” when the bond between you feels timeless and irreplaceable. The best relationship is having someone with whom to transcend aloneness in a random chaotic universe, and Loving in Flow proves that real couples with real flaws and inadequacies can indeed find this level of exceptional joy together.
Loving in Flow is based on in-depth interviews with more than three dozen longterm couples who rate their relationships as absolutely top-of-the-line. The book is filled with insights and practical suggestions about navigating the transitions and crises of a relationship.
Loving in Flow differs from other relationship books: they’re often based on academic studies of college undergrads, or they’re written by therapists about the troubled couples who have come to them, without always knowing what actually worked. As a social psychologist in the field of positive psychology, I’ve studied and written here about what works. Loving in Flow isn’t a structured program with a set number of rules, but is grounded in gritty and often amusing reality.
A sample of what you’ll find in Loving in Flow:
 | How to avoid making the same mistakes others do | | Why it’s best to expose your true self quickly (“Putting Your Best Knee Forward”) | | Why those early “highs” level off so quickly—and what you can do about it | | Why you need good illusions about one another, but why some kinds of illusions are deadly to lasting love | | How to stop the conflict—20 detailed and anecdotal explanations of techniques that work for real people | | Why assuming good will is always the best stance | | Exercises and rituals that really work to get couples through the toughest fights | | How to recognize “subtle abuse” | | Different conversational styles that get in the way of understanding and compassion | | Why listening is so important and so hard, and how to do it well | | A rare discussion of “what words mean” | | How do you drive me crazy? Let me count the ways—a chapter devoted to how to get along with your partner’s maddening habits | | Beyond the chore wars—and why it’s important to talk about your differing perceptions about who does more | | How to keep your sexual relationship vibrant | | Crises of all kinds—from kids to illness to affairs—and how to rebound | | Why fairness is crucial and why “communal thinking” is far better than tit-for-tat | | Why always “giving away the ice cream” is best | | How the happiest couples play together | | How to use rituals and novelty to find flow and keep the delight alive |
 Loving in Flow for Singles: How to Become Part of a Happy Couple is a new e-book adapted from part of Loving in Flow, and it’s available for $4.99.
“With wit, intelligence and gut-wrenching honesty, Perry reminds us that the path to real love is often rocky but that the destination is perhaps the most glorious one we can achieve in life.”
—Robert Epstein, Ph.D., Editorin Chief, Psychology Today“Loving in Flow is certainly one of the most authentically rich and honest books about love and marriage in print today. I so admired the frankness, the openess, with which [Susan] described her own life and other couples’.”
—Sol Gordon, Ph.D., Psychologist, Sex Educator, Author “A work of lasting value on a topic of timeless relevance. Perry explores the complex nuances of and challenges to achieving intimacy through an in-depth exploration of the experiences of real people. Their stories stick with you and resonate in your mind and heart. This book [is] an enlightening and inspirational touchstone.”
—Jeremy P. Hunter, Ph.D., Research Director, The Quality of Life Research Center, Peter F. Drucker School of Management, Clarement Graduate University“This is a remarkable book – a wonderful mix of pointers, anecdotes, suggestions, reassurances, and hints on how to develop and sustain a wonderful relationship. Susan Perry uses interviews with successful couples, her own (sometimes painful) experience, psychological research, expert advice, and a large dollop of humor to guide you along the ins and outs (and dos and don’ts) of how to make love work. Highly recommended to anyone in love who wants to stay there, or anyone not in love who wants to get there.”
—James C. Kaufman, Ph.D., Director, Learning Research Institute, California State University at San Bernardino “Loving in Flow is not your typical how-to book about sex. In fact, it’s not about sex, it’s about relationships, with a sprinkling of sex when needed. Kind of like a really thick bouillabaisse that ’s flavored just right. The author’s own personal story of a formerly shaky marriage dots the landscape she paints of her own journey into loving flow, along with insights from many other special couples who learned how to get and stay that way. Although this book has some pointers on how to keep sex alive, it’s really tilted toward love, not sex. For many couples love is the bigger context in which their sex happens.
What I love most about the book is the interweaving of personal accounts, observations, specific techniques or behaviors that you can integrate into your relationship and the gorgeous spice of excerpts from great literature. The book is a journey through the evolution of a loving relationship, and has plenty of tips to enhance a loving relationship or get it back to flow. Susan is a generous spirit, a good author and a daring adventurer on the often treacherous path to preserving love above it all. Being in her presence, in person or on paper, is a treat! This book could truly have a positive, lasting influence on your life, even if you are now single and hoping for love that lasts. Read it!”
—Dr. Patti Britton, Your Sex Coach Express Newsletter Vol 41—June 1, 2003 Rooted in the core premises rumbling through Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s mega-bestselling Flow, Perry’s Loving in Flow is a witty and important offering in its own right, well-deserving of wide exposure—and praise in lavish amounts.
Perry, a social psychologist, who penned an earlier companion book (Writing in Flow), peppers this well-researched flow “sibling” with a liberal array of personal details about her own relationship with poet husband Stephen, exploring all of the usual aspects that are tied to every relationship: first dates, first fights, coping with conflict, “talking about talking,” idiosyncracies, “chore wars,” sex (there are two chapters devoted to this topic), “hitting bottom,” children, money and illness, play, and yes, even something that Perry calls “The Couple’s Manifesto of Love.”
Loaded with many meaningful real-life examples and delivered in an entertainingly rhythmic meander of its own, Loving in Flow is a great tool for dusting off the cobwebs of anyone’s well-established union—or as well, as a blueprint for correctly setting the stage for a enduring romance, sparkling with fireworks—and contentment.
—The Boox Review If you want a realistic look at loving relationships, including how to get and keep them, this is the book for you. In the midst of so many books foolishly touting “instant intimacy” or “perpetual passion,” it’s refreshing to read one that actually makes sense.
The meaning of the title is described in a number of different ways: as having a partner you can count on through good times and bad, as having someone with whom to transcend aloneness, as feeling good just to be together, and like “being in the zone.” But however it is defined, the bottom line is that it’s a place where most couples would like to spend their lives. And this book can help you do it.
... The ideas are based on positive psychology without being Pollyanna. They provide hope for attaining and sustaining real intimacy over time by covering all the practical factors that make this possible. Not only are the ideas in the book solid and smart, but the writing itself flows in a very readable way. ...
I’m particularly impressed by books where authors include their own personal experiences; and while this one shares the stories of many couples, it’s Susan’s willingness to share her own life/love experiences (including a time when her marriage was in serious trouble) that makes it especially valuable.
—Peggy Vaughan, DearPeggy.com
(ABRIDGED) INTRODUCTION: THE GARDEN OF DORIAN GRAY What Is “Loving in Flow”?
The Puzzle of Happy Relationships
About This Book
ONE: IN THE BEGINNING ARE THE WORDS Sending Signals
A Life in Lists
Riding the Emotional See-Saw
Clue-Collecting and Projecting
Qualities for Keeps
TWO: INTIMATIONS OF REALITY The First Fight
Putting Your Best Knee Forward
Slipping Back to Normal
Some Illusions Are Good
THREE: COPING WITH CONFLICT Why We Clash
How to Stop
FOUR: THE NO-FAULT APPROACH Better Off Blameless
Everyone Makes This Error (But You?)
What Really Changes
FIVE: TALKING ABOUT TALKING Lance the Talking Boil
I Like I-Messages
Four Horsemen, Pass On By
SIX: CRACKING THE CODE No, I’m Not Negative
Subtle Abuse
My Style or Yours?
What Words Mean
SEVEN: HOW DO YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS Somewhere Under the Rainbow
Whose Life Is It Anyway?
My Way and the Wrong Way
EIGHT: BEYOND THE CHORE WARS Who Does More Housework and Who Cares?
Other Couples’ Little Dirty Secrets
The Clutter Factor
How We Solved the Chore Wars
NINE: THE COUPLE’S MANIFESTO OF LOVE What’s Fair in Love and War
My Money, Our Money
Me, Myself, and I…Oh, and You
TEN: SEX (MORE OR LESS) Five (Other) Reasons to Do It
Happy Couples, Imperfect Sex
What a Difference a Decade Makes
Sex on the To-Do List
ELEVEN: SEX REDUX (KEEPING IT FRESH) Flow-Enhancing Ideas
The Porno Perplex
Communicating about Sex
TWELVE: HITTING BOTTOM THIRTEEN: THE CLICHÉ CRISIS FOURTEEN: CHILDREN: FLOW INTERRUPTED? FIFTEEN: MONEY, ILLNESS, AND OTHER POTENTIAL CRISES SIXTEEN: HOLDING ON, LETTING GO Intimacy: Risks and Rewards
How Honest?
Love Me, Love My Creature Release Mechanisms
Hey Mom, His Boundary is Touching Mine
What’s Respect Got to Do With It?
SEVENTEEN: YOU LOVE WHAT YOU PAY ATTENTION TO Thanks for Being You
Ten Ways to Increase Mindfulness
EIGHTEEN: THE POWER OF PLAY Schrödinger’s Bunny: Laughing at Ourselves
Relish Your Rituals
The Flow of Novelty
Roles and the Postmodern Couple
NINETEEN: THE IMPERFECT ROCK TUMBLER OF TIME EPILOGUE: Eight Insights About Loving in Flow See my Love Advice column on Netscape.  | |
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